My beloved sister-in-law, may she rest in peace
Joey, a good friend of mine, and a lady of great reserve and propriety, asked me how the governor of South Carolina could have a girl friend, given the circumstances of his life. For that matter, she asked, how could any married man do that.
I can’t speak for the governor, but I can speak from my own notions of manhood, and from a knowledge of male tradition and myth.
By the way, I illustrate this story with a picture of my beloved sister-in-law. She herself had a lover, a fact that some people could not reconcile with her sweet nature. I had no problem with it, but that’s a story for another post. Patty was half Mexican and, being nearly twenty years gone from this Earth, can fill my need for a picture of a Latin lover.
And now, on with my story.
Men are capable of two feats of imagination that affect their behavior. This may apply to women too, but I’ll leave the ladies to comment on that.
One of the feats of imagination is to create separate mental realms. I refer to this phenomenon as, “Meanwhile, in another part of the forest…” The gist of it is that men can easily imagine having two—or more—separate identities. It’s not unlike Odysseus and his sojourn with Circe, the enchantress. He lived with her in a separate universe from his wife and his circle of friends at home, and he might have spent the rest of his life with her if his crew had not grown restless and demanded that they sail away. This sojourn with Circe is literally a matter of mythical proportions. Buenos Aires was, apparently, the governor’s version of Aeaea, the island where Circe ruled.
The second feat of imagination is to see the door to Aeaea as a personal challenge. To not pass through it can be perceived as an act of cowardice. Thus, it is not so much the act of vanity it appears to others, it is rather perceived as an essential rite of passage that must be explored. When a man is intoxicated by infatuation, or enchanted, as Odysseus was, this is not a great leap for the male mind.
A man can fully accept, under the potent effects of testosterone, that the two parts of the forest are connected by a private rift in the time-space continuum. He can accept that he can move inconspicuously back and forth, and that the dangers of going to and fro are part of the challenge to his personal growth. The reporter at the airport was the fly in the ointment for the governor. He didn’t account for it when he created his personal mythology.
I don’t really know if Joey took my response seriously. Whether you do or do not, I welcome your thoughts.
“Meanwhile, in another part of the forest…” My goodness, I laughed right out loud. This would be a variation on that magical thinking I referenced recently, wouldn’t it?
And in the last paragraph, I would substitute the word “believe” for “accept.” To “accept” these ideas suggests they are facts, rather than notions to which everyone else — notably one’s spouse — may not subscribe. More magical thinking. I think.
Have you written a post about agreements in relationships yet? This seems like the right time.
~Michelle
From the male perspective they ARE facts. That’s why we need so much help.