Do most men give a damn?

For the most part workable solutions remain on the shelf.

I quoted Jimmy Carter on Facebook. In a TED Talk he said, “In general, men don’t give a damn.” The talk is about the world-wide abuses against women.

My post attracted a handful of comments. They were a mixed bag of challenges, agreement, and the inevitable humor.

The reason I agree with the former president is the persistence of the serious problems we face in this nation and world-wide. Men leave workable solutions on the shelf. Many times the intention is to not put their own privileges at risk.

My goal with this blog is to provoke thoughtful conversation by bringing readers the best content I can find. My saying is, I’m not particularly smart, but I bring you people who are.

The quiet that surrounds this blog makes me think of it as a private journal more than a document available on the internet.

Alan Landry, who has written two wonderful guest posts for this blog, expressed his respect for the war fighters who have put themselves at risk for this nation. Mr. Carter made the point that we have been at war with 25 countries since the end of World War Two. I thank and honor the people who put themselves at risk. However, I challenge the people who remained silent on the issue of warmongering itself. We did not need to fight 25 nations.

I note the inconsistencies in our value system that are allowed to continue. It’s illegal to accept money in exchange for sex unless you are producing a pornographic video. In that case it is legal to provide sex for money. Men tolerate this arrangement because it benefits them.

The great urgency that I see is that we need to promote open conversation about what matters to us. What does giving a damn involve? It is not that we must agree, but we would do well to reveal our assumptions to others. This is how understanding and a sense of community happen.

I have quoted Tom Peters in this blog when he commented that people liked to buy his books, but they were less interested in reading them. Putting on a display of interest is not the same as actually doing something.

I welcome your comments.

I get redeemed

I have been in a funk for some time now due in large part to the fact that men tolerate problems and abuses, and they remain silent all the while.

A lot of men need their butts kicked, and they will not do the deed because they enjoy the privileges that come with silence and obedience.

Redemption came to me from former president Jimmy Carter. He said in a TED Talk that the average man doesn’t really care. Earlier in the speech he said men don’t really give a damn, or language very much like that.

The talk is tough to hear because it includes a lot of information about abuses to women, but it was good medicine for me thanks to his declarations on male weakness. The full title is Why I believe the mistreatment of women is the number one human rights abuse. It is grim.

Once in a while I protest the silence and indifference of men on Facebook. The few responses I get are in the vein of, “What do you mean, Dan?” I save most of my commentary for this blog.

President Carter points out that the United States has gone to war with 25 nations since World War 2. We still support the death penalty, and sex slavery, and campus rape. The United States is in the worst shape I’ve ever seen. I become anxious because I care. I post to this blog because I care.

One in five University of Oregon undergraduate women say they’ve been raped, sexually assaulted or evaded some form of sexual intrusion since starting school in Eugene.—The Oregonian

As I watch our problems become more severe, and our males more passive, I become alarmed. I’ve been in a state of alarm for a while now, as many of my friends have noticed.

I witness lots of injustice perpetrated by men who just want to indulge in their own privileges. I was laid off from my last job by three men who knew nothing about me. There was nothing in their approach that resembled curiosity, interest, or compassion. Those traits have little value in the community of business. Business is a male domain.

I also watched the TED Talk by Rich Benjamin. The title is My road trip through the whitest towns in America. He shows tremendous compassion, and he describes and explains the white male appetite for personal convenience, and the white man’s willingness to sacrifice humanity in the quest for convenience.

We need to redefine leadership as an activity in which conditions are created so everyone can do their most courageous thinking together.—Margaret Heffernan

Our former president ended his speech by asking women to take up the burden of demanding more justice. I agree with him. While I feel great affection for many men, my spirit of quest is entirely directed at women. I prefer their conversation and their companionship. I prefer their energy and gumption. I’m old. Take my advice with a grain of salt.

Your thoughts?

 

Defining decency

There is a group on Facebook that bears, or bares, the name Critical Tits.

Their page announces a bike ride in Tucson on August 23 that will provide an opportunity to protest the double standard on nipples, female versus male.

Arizona’s law is quite punitive. Click here to read the law.

13-1402.  Indecent exposure; exception; classification

A. A person commits indecent exposure if he or she exposes his or her genitals or anus or she exposes the areola or nipple of her breast or breasts and another person is present, and the defendant is reckless about whether the other person, as a reasonable person, would be offended or alarmed by the act.

And this examination of the effects of changing the law in New York where female nipples are now legal:

And if people are not telling women to cover up for the sake of public decency, they are telling women to expose themselves for the benefit of the viewer rather than for themselves.

Over the warmer months I’ve spent in this state, I’ve heard many men try to encourage their female friends to take advantage of their topless rights with the tone and persistence of horny teenagers. And this, my friends, is the problem. Although encouraging our female friends to be comfortable in their own skin, take advantage of their rights and wear the level of clothing that is most comfortable for hot weather is wonderful, it is often clear that the encouragement women receive to go topless is less positive and more manipulative.—Nicole Howley

How long can a mother breastfeed her son? This is a moral issue for some people. The innocent and nourishing joy of the breast becomes a threat to innocence and propriety according to many people.

Men do not resolve the decency dilemma Ms. Howley describes. Men accept their own hypocrisy. How do we define “reckless” as it is used in the law? How do we define “reasonable”? What does “alarmed” mean? The people who passed this law left all these terms undefined and debatable. Men do a lot of that these days, and they get paid for it.

One of the rewards of photography is that I can invite women who pose nude to pose for me. They enjoy the experience, and so do I. It’s a better way to live than passing incoherent laws.

You gotta have heart

According to Robert Reich’s Facebook post we have a man who wants to be president who thinks he might legalize torture if he gets the power.

In Tucson many people are struggling to get where they need to be because of a bus strike.

I watched a video on Facebook of a young boy on the streets of New York begging for money on a freezing day. The indifference of the pedestrians who sailed past him is stunning.

I am convinced that we only have one priority facing us. It is to have heart. This passage by Lao-tzu from the Tao Te Ching expresses it beautifully.

I have just three things to teach: simplicity; patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.—Stephen Mitchell translation

He also encouraged us to show compassion toward ourselves. I fear we are desperately short of compassion these days. I read a Facebook post from a person who said his friends would not respond if he issued a plea for help. A woman I know and respect posted her agreement with his assessment.

While the company may not have much of a financial interest in resolving the strike, the city that provides the money to run the bus system does have an interest. Council members know riders are suffering, many are voters, and they sincerely want the strike over.—Tim Steller, Arizona Daily Star

What has become of friendship? We barely trust it at all. Many people do not trust themselves. This little passage that follows is how Paramahansa Yogananda advised us to reach out to God:

He wants your love to be freely given, without ‘prompting.’ That is the whole secret in the game of this universe. He who created us yearns for our love.—How You Can Talk With God

What if God took the form of the young boy freezing on the sidewalk, trying to climb into a garbage sack to reduce the chill of the wind? God did, of course. We are all made of stars, are we not?

Yogananda tells us that God can be persuaded to take a personal form if we are devoted in our efforts. My fondness for the feminine spirit moves me to seek a meeting by way of Gwenivere, my angel. Unlike Divine Mother my angel has two arms rather than four. I relate better to that.

My special thanks to Taylor for both pieces of artwork. I have published them many times in this blog. They express my intentions beautifully.

On being a man

Guest post by Alan Landry

Alan Landry

With the encouragement of my dear friend Dan, here is the second in my series about what it is to be a man.

Since my last post I have had more than one person tell me that the messages in my musings had equal application to women. I think there is much truth in that.

More than defining the difference between a boy and a man, my hope is that these words convey more about what it is to be a mature, responsible adult, regardless of sexual identity. In any case, my focus will remain on the narrower topic, and if this is useful to others that is a blessing.

Another political season is upon us for better or worse. In this age of information overload, we are assaulted in almost every form of media with ads, news reports, blogs, tweets, Facebook posts, LinkedIn postings, instant messages, phone calls and even personal conversations about this person or that person. Many of these are designed to intentionally vilify, demonize, embarrass, humiliate and attack, not the position of the person, but the person himself or herself. This trend appears to have grown along with the rise of social media. It is ubiquitous, mean-spirited, and in my view, damaging to the social fabric of our society, and even to those who act this way.

Why is this happening? I think in part, we have lost our ability to conduct civil dialogue. It is becoming a lost art. Our rational arguments seem to have lost their wind, and in their place we substitute emotion, judgment, and often, single-minded zealotry. It is no longer about informing a view so much as it is a matter of enforcing a view, the “my way or the highway” school of thought. Within that, there is a deeper nastiness that has entered these conversations, a nastiness that proposes to judge anyone and everyone who dares entertain a view that is different from theirs. It takes the “my way or the highway” view to an extreme level, and it plays out in front of our eyes every day in certain news media and social networking sites regardless of consequence or damage done. Facts get distorted, actions often taken out of context and replayed in heavily edited fashion, and objective truth around an event or person its certain first casualty.

Sadly, I think this is part of a larger issue confronting each of us on our personal journey from childhood to adulthood. That issue is a steady erosion of what it used to mean to be an informed and educated adult. Education was less about answers than about provocative questions, it valued that journey of discovery. Personal growth was about challenging held notions and assertions, realizing that the more a person knows about things, paradoxically they come to know how much there is that they really do not, and may never, know.

Education was less about answers than about provocative questions, it valued that journey of discovery. Personal growth was about challenging held notions and assertions, realizing that the more a person knows about things, paradoxically they come to know how much there is that they really do not, and may never, know.

Today it seems we value more the person who has stopped growing, who has a ready answer for everything so long as it aligns with our preferences. In the past, growth often came through civil discourse – respectful dialogue that did not pass judgment as alternative perspectives became part of an expanding body of knowledge. An educated person was someone who could hear an opposing view without tossing a hand grenade at the other person. Debate could be, and often was, intense, but it was more balanced, more informed and less judgmental.

Civil discourse was valued in and of itself as the mark of an educated balanced adult. Some might argue that the issues we face today are more complex than those of the past using this as rationalization for bad behavior.

To be sure, over the past 100 years, societal views on incredibly important and emotional topics like secession, slavery, women’s rights, racism, sexism, the environment, terrorism, individual rights, education, religion, and diversity/inclusion among many others have changed before our eyes. In each of these issues there were always opposing sides, even extreme, yet the belief in the greater common good still seemed to be a measured part of the dialogue.

More often than not in our country’s history, that greater common good swayed the decision our nation would ultimately follow even in the midst of competing extremes. I sense a hollowing out of that middle ground. With its demise, we are only left with those competing extremes on every side of every issue. Without that moderating influence, we are also left with the very real presence of zealotry that sees the world and every issue through a single lens of their particular side’s making.

Civil discourse is not only undervalued, it is not possible. So what does this have to do with growing up to be a man (or woman)? I think quite a lot actually. During the growth process, each of us will either learn to value opposing perspectives as essential to mature growth, or to reject them as threats to what we accept as “truth.” Obviously, the challenge here is that there seem to be multiple “truths” on just about any controversial topic. In reality, such topics rarely resolve into a clear, single “truth.”

So who really owns the “right” truth? I personally doubt that anyone walking on the face of this earth today has any greater claim to “truth” than any other person. Thus, what we really have are opinions, no matter how heartfelt. The person who grows up rejecting any alternative view is most likely to carry that behavior into adulthood. In essence, they stop growing as they stop learning. Moreover, the older they get the more they are disinclined to change. The net result is often a very angry, unhappy person unable to cope with a world that refuses to bend to their personal view of truth. It becomes personal, and so do their communications to others about these issues.

At this juncture, let me make it clear that I am not arguing against strongly held opinions or beliefs. As Alexander Hamilton once said, if you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything. Having an opinion, however, does not mandate intolerance of others and of their views, nor does it mean being closed-minded. It is possible to believe in something, and at the same time invite, listen to, and assess alternative views without passing personal judgment or attacking the other person.

This is all part of being an educated, responsible adult and a productive member of society. So what is the point here? First, I encourage each of you, male and female, to educate yourself within your means, to inform your beliefs and views while acknowledging that there are, and will likely always be, alternative views that do not align with yours.

Second, I encourage you to deliberately and intentionally seek out those alternative views, and that you listen to them with open mind, heart and soul (back to the definition of integrity).

Thirdly, that you suspend judgment of these alternative views, and more importantly, of the people who espouse them, so that you might at least understand why good people can view the world very differently without becoming personal enemies. I think it would do us all good to take a breath, back away from the judge’s pulpit and realize that for the most part we are good people trying to make sense of challenging, emotionally-charged issues, and that none of us owns the right to judge or to declare the real truth.

This is about civil discourse, a lost art of conversation and deep personal communication that cannot be done from a smart phone or a Facebook post.

As we enter this next political season, I think the more we encourage civil discourse, tolerance, open-mindedness and humility, the more we will create the type of society that our forefathers envisioned. What decision will you make, and more importantly, what decision will you act on? As always, it is a personal choice to be a “giver” or to be a “taker.”

Along the way, know that we are judged by our actions more than our words, and that we teach these next generations by example. Let’s give them something we can all be proud of.

Editor’s note: Please also see Are You a Man or Are You a Boy?

Our need for better put downs and insults

How can the name of this charming bit of anatomy serve as an insult?

Someone on Facebook described Donald Trump as a clown, and a reader identified himself as a clown, and he said applying the word to The Donald did a disservice to real clowns.

We have abused many words by using them as insults. I don’t need to list them all here. I’m sure you can make a good list.

Pressing perfectly good words into service as insults fails us in more than one way. The first problem is that it cheapens the word we borrow. The second is that we do not explore our real intentions. I did not see Mr. Trump’s performance, but I have a general knowledge of his style and approach to subjects of interest to him. He does not keep me entertained. I am more drawn to words like bombastic when I want to describe his behavior.

bombastic |bämˈbastik|, adjective

high-sounding but with little meaning; inflated:

Another point is that we do everyone a disservice when we label the person instead of the behavior. Ideally we should encourage people like Mr. Trump to give up his bombastic attitudes, and remind him that, should he do that, we might actually learn something useful from him.

Your thoughts?

My note to the world

I watched a video this morning about the threats to our safety based on where we live. You know. Blizzards, floods, hurricanes, droughts, earthquakes, and so on. It was made at the New York Times, and it was compelling.

I am also re-reading The Fifth Discipline. Peter Senge goes into considerable detail about why our organizational problems are so deeply entrenched and seem to be defended by legions of people who could solve them if they cared to do that.

The news that I read reaches me primarily through my Facebook news feed. I don’t go looking for it because it is all bad. I had lunch recently with a friend who works for a big-name retail chain. She has worked there for ten years and is paid nine dollars an hour. Robert Reich wants the minimum wage raised to fifteen dollars an hour. And so do I.

We do not lack for guidance on how to live in harmony with one another, the birds and the bees, and with our planet. Most of us just don’t want to do that.

My note to the world is short and sweet:

I know you are in a great deal of intense pain. You may take some small comfort in my love for you. I love you even when you are cranky and unfair.

If you have any interest in healing I can point you to wise counsel, people whose teachings and methods have stood the test of time. I even do a bit of counseling myself for folks who are willing to receive it.

Whatever choices you make, my deep desire for you is that you get better soon. The heart drawing is by a dear friend of mine when she was very, very young. Children are born knowing the right thing to do. We sort of squeeze that out of them over time.

Best wishes. My prayers are with you.

I pray, dear readers, that you will do something you enjoy doing. The sensation that comes with it can reconnect us to our heart.

 

Hey, buddy, can you spare a billion?

Robert Reich posted this on Facebook:

Amazon just announced an increase in its net income of $92 million for the second quarter, causing its stock to jump 19 cents per share. One shareholder who’s particularly pleased is Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, whose personal wealth (much of it in Amazon stock) thereby jumped $7 billion, making him the fifth richest person in the world with a net worth of $50 billion. Bezos has thereby earned in several minutes as much money as 175,000 teachers (each paid an average of $40,000 annually) earn an entire year. Does pay any longer bear relation to what someone is worth?—Robert Reich

What are the implications to human values of sitting on that much money?

I will respond to Mr. Reich’s question. No. Pay is no longer linked to the ability to add value or deliver service. I have a “donate” button on this blog. It is sort of like the tip jar at Starbucks. If you get as much value from my posts (there are more than 500 of them) as you do from a venti decaf you might drop a dollar in the jar once in a while. It has not happened yet.

I posted on Facebook a request for opinions on giving money to people soliciting from median strips. The responses covered a range of opinions. These are two sweet ones.

I don’t give homeless people money, I give them food. In Arizona I can understand the need for water though and like someone else mentioned, they may be leery about taking water for fear of it being drugged. I think it’s awful that places do not let the public use the restrooms, homeless or not. To me that’s saying they’d rather have someone defecate in the back of their building, because that’s what usually happens.—Adela Gubson

I practice compassion. I use my own judgment. I have never had a bad experience though I also can’t say I give a dollar and wait to see what someone chooses to do with it. I give so much of myself and time helping and supporting organizations that I know are making a difference in the lives of our homeless so if I have to pass up a homeless person on the corner I hope at some point in our lives our paths cross again for all the right reason on the way up from the bottom.—Lola Lane

As a society we are not successful at dealing with change. We just let the rich and powerful dictate to us and make any rules they like. In the 1966 movie A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum,  Zero Mostel plays a slave. His response, when whipped by his master, is “Thank you, sir. May I have another?” That’s pretty much the norm these days for most of us.

The end of our collective right to dignity is nigh. Stormy’s derrière provides some temporary consolation.

 

Who owns the rain?

In many places the rain that falls on you, or your house, is not yours.

No, it does not belong to Mother Nature, or to God, if you think Mother Nature is an expression of God. It belongs to some part of the government.

I am often critical of my fair city, Tucson, but in this area I applaud them. The city will help subsidize the installation of a rainwater harvesting system.

Colorado has a reputation for being exceptionally hard on people who claim the rain that falls on them as theirs. They have softened slightly, we are told, in recent years.

Do you live in Colorado? Does it rain on your house? Do the drops patter off the roof, compose romantic puddles on your porch?

Guess what: That water isn’t yours. You can’t have it. And you most certainly cannot set out a tank to catch what falls from the sky, you thief.

Water laws are so strict in Colorado that rainwater collection is virtually prohibited. The doctrine is written into the state’s Constitution. All the rain is already spoken for. It belongs to someone, and that someone probably isn’t you. So don’t you touch it.—The Washington Post

I find it bizarre that we quarrel over ownership of rain. It is a milestone of our times.

A house with 1000 square feet of roof area can collect over 600 gallons of water from 1 inch of rain.—Tucson Botanical Gardens

One hundred gallons is on the high end of how much water a person in America uses per day. It’s about three tubs full of water, or four loads of laundry.—The Washington Post

Quarreling over who owns the rain reminds me of some of the classic old western movies that presented either friendship or antagonism toward native Americans, people who honored Nature. We have distanced ourselves from that bond, and we have done so at our own expense.

To collect, store, and place the captured precipitation to a beneficial use, a person must register the use with the Utah Division of Water Rights as detailed in 73-3-1.5.—Utah Division of Water Rights

We have fallen far in our reverence toward Nature and in our mistrust of good intentions. I believe we pay a high price for those offenses. And young people will pay even more in the future. What do we owe them?

Supreme Court struggles to be supreme

Gay marriage is now legal, but the transition was not pretty viewed from the perspective of people observing the court.

The Supreme Court has embarrassed itself many times on the subject of gay marriage, and it repeated its performance in a 5-4 vote tinged with bitterness, sarcasm, and anger.

This vote comes after an extended period of trying to avoid the subject completely. The New York Times tells the story well.

In a second dissent, Justice Scalia mocked Justice Kennedy’s soaring language.

“The opinion is couched in a style that is as pretentious as its content is egotistic,” Justice Scalia wrote of his colleague’s work. “Of course the opinion’s showy profundities are often profoundly incoherent.”—The New York Times

Pretentious and egotistic? These people have to work together. Besides, they are supposed to be watching over our interests, not theirs.

Four of the current Supreme Court Justices are over 70 years old. The next president will almost certainly be appointing one or more to replace them. Scalia, Alito, and Thomas are rabid reactionaries, and Roberts isn’t far behind them. If nothing else moves you to become more politically active in the run-up to the 2016 election, this reality alone should.—Robert Reich, Facebook post

I celebrate on behalf of my many gay and lesbian friends. I apologize for the rudeness of what we call the Supreme Court. They are rude to their own peers, and it doesn’t get much worse than that.

Staying with the positive, I send a cyber hug to my friends who are directly affected by this decision. All of us are affected by it to some extent.